17 Jul On distraction.

“There are times when it is best to dam up all the tributaries and send the energy thundering in just one direction. All great things are launched on big rivers.”

Sue Monk Kidd, The Dance of the Dissident Daughter.

I am easily distracted.

Sometimes I think this is because I have so much on my plate, the house, the kids, the shopping, the laundry, the school run, the emotional needs of everyone else. It is only after I know I am on top of all these things I allow the space to work. And I am not just talking about the physical time and space, I also mean the mental space. I have always found it hard to keep my mind fully in the work I am doing. 

I know my distraction has also been about my fear.

Fear of what I might discover if I continue to search and dig into the ideas that are waking me up. Fear these ideas will cause conflict with those close to me, or cause others to be disappointed with me. Fear I will throw myself head-long into something, go public with these revelations only to realise I am wrong – or be told I am wrong. I am wary of criticism. 

I know my distraction has also been about making my life easy.

It may be deeply dissatisfying, but if I just serve everyone else then I won’t have to grapple with the difficult and dangerous ideas. This work is not easy. It is not straight forward to challenge some of the most deeply held ideas, and long served institutions you have based your life and your meaning on. There is an element to which I know the ideas I am pursuing will bring violence to my life. They will cut away at things that have been the status quo for a long time. Tiffany Han says, “this feeling of discomfort means you are on track”.

It takes courage to stay in the discomfort. I am becoming more courageous.

Today the river is a grey mass moving with 

force out to sea. Pulsing with energy

I’m taking its lead

I’m damning up the tributaries and 

pushing my energy in one direction 

because I have work to do. 

I refuse to become distracted from the work of becoming myself.

Sweep me out to sea, hold me in your 

current and take me 

further into the wild.