28 Nov

Posted at 16:53h in Family, Mental health
0 Likes

I love Christmas. I love a reason to celebrate, to eat good food and make a fuss. I love the full sensory experience, the smells and the decorations, lighting the candles and listening to the music. I am no scrooge. However, over the years Christmas has become a  bit much. I have made it a bit much. I am an all or nothing kind of person. I am not very good at self-control and moderation, and Christmas has always been a time to revel in this side of my personality. I want to do ALL of it. I want to have special meals with all my different groups of...

21 Nov

Posted at 12:45h in Mental health
0 Likes

Last month my friend Sri and I had a four day break in Lisbon. We are old friends (we met in sixth form) and have not holidayed together since we were 19 (a fabulous two week adventure in Italy, as you asked). This break had been a long time coming. On the first night we were there I had a panic attack. A fairly impressive one. Normally when I have a panic attack I hide, or flee the scene sharpish. And, until last month the only person who has sat with me during a panic attack is my husband. I am not unusual. I...

07 Nov

Posted at 16:52h in Mental health
0 Likes

In the Summer my 11 year old daughter went to a drama club. This club was being run by one of the original cast members of Matilda (the musical) and another actor who I knew from my time working as a theatre director. As I dropped child number 2 off for her day of fun, I got chatting with my actor friend. Our conversation ambled along predictable lines while I propelled my son back to the car. Soon enough he asked me if I was still working in the theatre. I told him no, that just over a year ago I...

31 Oct

Posted at 17:06h in Mental health
0 Likes

Warning: Trying to access array offset on value of type bool in /var/www/vhosts/ellijohnson.com/httpdocs/wp-content/plugins/bridge-core/modules/shortcodes/shortcode-elements/_social-share/templates/social-share.php on line 124

A few weeks ago I wrote a letter to my strong, exhausted friend. (You can read it here.) At so many points in my life I have been the person who needed to read that letter, and often still am. But I am re-learning how to live and a large part of this has involved re-discovering how to rest. I know rest is important, and yet I don't make it a priority. It gets squeezed out. I find myself exhausted, falling into bed either to sleep fitfully or to lie awake aware of all I still need to do but haven't managed to...

26 Oct

Posted at 11:38h in Mental health
1 Like

Do you feel you are constantly on the hook? It's a strange phrase - think - the opposite of 'off the hook'. Being caught on the hook makes you feel culpable, or guilty, as though you can never relax or let go. In recent years letting myself off the hook has been an idea I have become very attached to. I like the idea that I am freeing myself from...

17 Oct

Posted at 17:25h in Mental health
3 Likes

Hi, my name is Elli and I'm a people pleaser. A recovering people pleaser. I want to make other people happy. Which always seemed like a good goal to have. But this well-intentioned aim got me into hot water. Back then. About ten years ago life was tiring. My girls were tiny and I was pregnant with my son. I had lots of friends and a brilliant husband who was very busy with work. I ran a small group in church which was made up of lots of fantastic women who were also in the same life stage as me. We were all tired all the time. We were always making...

04 Oct

Posted at 14:19h in Mental health
0 Likes

Not all the causes of anxiety can be rectified quickly or easily. I have found through personal (and often painful) experience, there are certain mindsets and patterns of behaviour that take months, or even years, to unpick. That may not sound very encouraging, especially if you are battling anxiety right now, in this moment. But fear not, there are some things you can do to lessen your anxiety here and now in the middle of your busy day, or stressful season. These are some practices that have worked for me: Breathing Slow. I know I often write about the importance of slowing your...

19 Sep

Posted at 10:49h in Mental health
0 Likes

When the alarm went off this morning I was already weary. I am at the worst point of my period and I feel distracted and exhausted. My body is suffering, I have not slept well, and my belly aches. My mind is unable to settle, jumping from one thing to another. I am feeling low; a combination of hormones, lack of adult conversation and the rain that has fallen steadily all week, My first response is to attend to the long list of jobs that lies ahead of me today. I have writing projects that need attention, laundry to do, and meals to...

11 Sep

Posted at 17:44h in Mental health
0 Likes

Eight years ago I entered the cafe and waved to the woman I had arranged to meet. She was barely more than an acquaintance but I knew she had some experience of counselling people dealing with grief. I was hopeful she would be able to give me some wisdom about how to help my friend who was suffering. I grabbed my coffee and pushed aside the feeling of frustration that this was how I was going to be using my short amount of kid-free time. It had seemed like the right thing to do last week when I had made the arrangement. The...

29 Aug

Posted at 14:52h in Mental health
0 Likes

A list for anyone overwhelmed and stressed. A list for those of us who worry too much about what we cannot control. A list for the over-thinkers and the do-gooders. (A list for me). 1. Don't play it safe. Wear the bright red lippy, the yellow dress, the dungarees you think make you look like an overgrown toddler. Clothes are for fun. 2. Don't compare. You are beautiful and your life is good. Count blessings, dance in the kitchen. Silence the voice of comparison, it will make your life smaller. 3. Don't hide. Let somebody in. The mask will become harder to remove the longer your wear it. Allow...