16 Dec

Posted at 22:40h in Uncategorised
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Over the years I have looked to those older and wiser to explain the scriptures for me, mature people with years of experience to make sense of our canon of stories. And a lot of this has been, and still is, very good. But in the last few years something has changed. I believe (most of the time - when I am feeling brave) that the Word of God is not just the domain of people who have been to theological college (although their knowledge and understanding can be very useful!). I think it is for anyone. As I have started looking again at...

11 Dec

Posted at 10:35h in Uncategorised
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This time last year I was working on a play in one of the major theatres in our city. It had been a somewhat fraught rehearsal process and as we entered tech week we were all exhausted. On day three of the tech, when we had been working 14 or 15 hour days, not seeing our kids or thinking about Christmas and the presents we still had to buy, my very good friend Roxanne (our fabulous Deputy Stage Manager) and I nipped out on our tea break to buy some food. The streets were heaving with people weighed down with shopping,...

01 Dec

Posted at 20:45h in Uncategorised
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Today started a bit tricky. I had one of those mornings where everything was fine until all of a sudden it wasn't. Usually if I am feeling anxious, or working up to / experiencing a panic attack, there are physical symptoms that follow these patterns in my brain. I might get very hot, or shake, my stomach will inevitably churn uncontrollably. Normally it is the physical symptoms that follow the emotional triggers, but I have recently started noticing that a physical symptom can act as a trigger for my brain to go into a negative spiral, with feelings of anxiety close...

19 Nov

Posted at 19:22h in Uncategorised
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Yesterday, I took a deep breath and told Laura all the things that were on my mind. It took a while. I listed the disappointments and the complicated relationships. I told her how everything was changing and I didn’t know how to respond to this shifting landscape. I told her of anger that had started to fester in the pit of my stomach. New and surprising feelings for this habitual peace-maker. Words falling over words, long-hidden emotions tumbling out. It wasn’t pretty and I knew it. I recited stories and half facts about tiny incidents that had happened over this past year and how...

16 Nov

Posted at 13:25h in Uncategorised
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I had one of those thoughts last night, just before I went to sleep. Everything is wrong. The world is upside down and inside out. I drive around in my car, moving children from place to place, going to the supermarket, drinking tea, doing laundry and helping with homework, feeding and clothing and reading and learning and writing. Fulfilling all of the tiny tasks that are essential to this day. Then suddenly I am shocked by a spark of electricity. Of truth. Everything is Wrong. The world is upside down and back to front. Those who should get death get life, and those who deserve mercy get...

10 Nov

Posted at 21:00h in Uncategorised
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When I was still really not well, and I was just focussed on surviving the days (and the nights), I had to close myself off. I had to live a small life, narrowing my world, controlling my experiences as much as possible. I had to protect myself from potential threats, from injury. I lived like a closed fist. I broke contact with people who I knew would ask a lot of me emotionally or practically. It was necessary. But it started long before that, before I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. Back then, I lived a closed life without realising it. Not...

29 Oct

Posted at 17:09h in Uncategorised
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Today, I feel dull. Dull and tired. Like this feverish sore throat nonsense will never leave. Like I will never have enough energy to get everything I want to get done. Like my children will never be satisfied despite all my attempts to create for them exciting things to do. Like I will always be cold in this house and find myself working with the lights off (why?). Like I will never be creative again. And I am writing this all down to acknowledge that it is ridiculous. That my feelings have a lot to answer for. Because they tell me lots of lies. Like...

23 Oct

Posted at 12:30h in Uncategorised
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I remember a line I read in a novel once which described the city as 'humming with anxiety'. I pictured the cars sat at traffic lights, engines turning over, poised, waiting. The buzz of the street lights, flickering. The strip lighting in the all-night garage displaying food for people on the go, devoid of nutritional content. The energy of the day turning to night. The restless city, in constant motion. Years ago I was on a church weekend away. I don't remember much about the weekend - I don't think it was a great time for me - but I remember a...

20 Oct

Posted at 13:59h in Uncategorised
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Matt and I have an ongoing debate about who is the biggest hoarder. (fyi. he is.) Whether it is books, or clothes or tins full of receipts from 1994, the conversation crops up time and time again. Over lunch on Sunday we were talking about it again, and the large purpose-built bookshelves that run along one entire wall of our dining room were pointed to as evidence. Did I really need all those books? Could I not take some to our local charity shop? Because I am a very gracious wife I decided to try and find some. And I did (about ten I...

16 Oct

Posted at 12:06h in Uncategorised
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Our last house sold quicker than expected. We hadn't found a new house so, not wanting to lose our buyer, we decided to move into a rental house. For some reason, this proved almost impossible. After false starts too countless to mention, finally we found a place to rent that was okay. Big enough for me and Matt and the three kids, not going to break the bank, in a nice street, with some outside space. Unfortunately the previous tenants had left the place in a mess, but the estate agent assured me that it would all be fixed up in time for...