30 Jan A letter to myself and anyone else who is not okay
I think it might be time to take stock. To think about the things that are tricky. The things you want to ignore and brush under the carpet.
I say this because, as you well know, acknowledgement is the first step. You have to see it before you can do anything about it.
And the truth is:
You are not okay right now, and that is okay.
Honestly, it is.
You feel low. And that’s okay. You don’t have to be great all the time.
You are allowed to have a bad week, or month. It doesnt necessarily mean another crash is on the way. (In fact this time I am almost sure it doesn’t.) It means you are tired, and January is rough, and life is probably a bit too busy.
I know you think these feelings makes you weak, or a failure. But your mood is not an indicator of your worth. Your worth was set already, and it was decided you are precious. (We all are).
The fact you feel this way does not reveal a lack, it reveals a humanity.
You were designed to feel, not to hide or pretend.
Okay, so it cannot be denied you are pretty aware of your feelings, maybe more than most. Your skin is thin, translucent even. You bruise easily. But that is how you were made.
That is your gift.
You see through the surface, and describe what it feels like to be human here and now.
You put words to feelings. That is what you do.
And you have learnt how to deal with this fragility, it is not damaging anymore, it has become your strength. You needn’t fear it.
And you needn’t fear this tough patch, this sadness that has been hanging around.
Feeling low now does not undo the past two years of good mental health and stability.
These past two years have been the best you can remember but they were not perfect. They were the best because of how you dealt with the unexpected and the difficult. You have known the proximity of anxiety but it has not consumed you. You have experienced pain but have become strong, learnt how to handle it and how to heal. You have known fear but your courage has taught you to see it for what it is and offer yourself the compassion and time you need.
These ‘best’ years have been about being honest with yourself. They have been about loving you as you are, in the moment, about not hiding and growing self-confidence.
‘Best’ is always about self-compassion and kindness and grace.
Sometimes you have to listen to your own wisdom, not just let it dissipate like steam from a kettle. Sometimes you have to remind yourself of the truth you know.
This is one of those times.
And so it is totally okay that you are not okay right now.
That is part of it all. Being truly you. It all exists and it is all welcome.
It will pass. The blue will lift, you know it will. For now do the things you know to do.
Cancel things often. Read words of life and hope, poetry is good right now. Get to bed early and spend less time on your phone. Go outside whenever you can and the weather is fine (or even when it isn’t). Put yourself in the way of people who make you laugh. Maybe book to see your therapist, she will be kind and you will be relieved. Be consistent with your meds. Watch a bit more Mad Men. Eat well and watch the caffeine and the alcohol. Read that novel you have been saving. Eat more fruit.
A mix of self-discipline to make good choices and the freedom to indulge. That is what you need.
Do the things you know to do.
You are not okay, and that is okay. You will be again.
Love, me xx
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