An unexpected diagnosis. During my third session with my therapist she told me she thought I was suffering with Post-Natal Depression. Aside from the shock, the shame and the fear of what this might mean, I was also confused. I thought women with post-natal depression struggled to bond with or feel love for their baby. This was not the case for me. Also this was my third child, I loved him as I loved my daughters - unequivocally and from the get-go - if I was depressed now, was I depressed then? (me and my gorgeous boy. 2010) The answer to this un-asked question...

I find change hard. I like familiarity and routine. I like tradition and rituals. These are the things that help me to orient myself in the world. To make sense of life's unpredictable moments. But if we know one thing we know change is the only constant. The only thing we can be sure will follow us. Sometimes life changes and we have no choice but to accept it even though it is devastating; we experience tragedy and have to learn to live with it. We lose a loved one, a friend moves away, we are ill, our job role changes, we experience...

We have been in Anglesey for about 8 weeks now. It has been fantastic. As I write this I am outside sat at the table under the parasol. If I look up I can see the mountains of Snowdonia in the distance and the patchwork of fields, with the occasional house or farm dotted in between. The swallows that have nested in the outhouse where we keep the broken garden furniture and an impressive collection of cobwebs swoop in and out, dancing above me. All I can hear is birdsong, my fingers tapping on the the keys and a distant radio...

When my girls were little I was always trying harder. Every few months I would come up with a new concept I believed would enable me to be the person I felt I ought to be. Through reading the latest Christian book, or hearing the latest talk on how to live a successful life (spiritual or otherwise) I would arm myself with a list of top 5 ways to improve myself and set to work. If only I could get hold of this idea, if only I could press in for the breakthrough, if only I could be put into practise these...